Linguistic Horror Shows – a Top 3

I haven’t written on here in a while so to counter that here is a hastily assembled piece covering some phrases or pieces of language that people, in my humble opinion, should not be caught saying.

Please be clear that this is not a serious piece that is going to challenge the abhorrent and alarming use of racist taunts and barbs that have been exposed, particularly on Twitter, recently. Instead, it is just a silly piece before I take on the 2nd annual 20 Things I Learned From The Brits after its relative success last year.

The Bronze Medal: “BOOM”

If you’re shake-shake-shak(ing) the ROOM then fair enough, but it’s rare to ever be actually carrying out such an act. The problem with ‘Boom’ as a replacement for an exclamation mark to express satisfaction or pleasure at something is that it needs to be something appropriate.

Well Reasoned Uses of the Word Boom to End a Sentence:

1. Just booked my flights to Las Vegas BOOM

2. Been given a promotion at work BOOM

3. Just created a floating castle in Triple Town BOOM

4. Just got the all-clear from the clini- ……maybe not actually

Unreasonable Uses of the Word Boom to End a Sentence:

1. The milk’s not gone off even though it’s a day past the use by date BOOM

2. I’ve found my keys BOOM

3. Just paired up my socks BOOM

4. Judging from the shade of that I’m well hydrated BOOM

You get the idea.

The Silver Medal: “Nom” (See also: “Nom Nom Nom”, “#Nom” and “NommyNommyNomNoms”)

This has to stop. There is simply no excuse for an adult to post a picture of their food on Instagram, Facebook, whatever and then describe it using the word ‘nom’. If you pluralise (?) it you’re even worse. “Oooh lovely nom noms”.

I have nothing against onomatopoeia: BANG, CLUNK, WHIZZ, WHOOSH, HONK (good) but NOM (bad) does not belong. Close your mouth you disgraceful diners, finish your pizza and don’t do it again.

The Gold Medal: “It’ll be a bit of a Giggle”

My number 1 offender on the hitlist ”BOAG”, as it has been renamed by my good friend Mr Alan Dooney, is a phrase of such insincerity and lack of conviction that chills me to my very core. It is impossible to name a context where this sentence can be used in a justified and reasoned manner, but if you are ever in a situation where you feel an urge to release it just count to 3 and then say It’ll be…good.

For example:

“Oh come down the pub mate, it’ll be a bit of a giggle.”

NO NO NO

Repeat: “Come down the pub mate, it’ll be good/fun/a laugh/brilliant/the best night of your life/anything.”

If you’re on Take Me Out and you begin your short VT by saying you’re ”up for a bit of a giggle”, try not to look shocked when you look up to view a sea of red lights befitting an Amsterdam district.

A giggle is not even a full laugh. It’s a waste of time. People don’t ‘gol’ when they are amused on MSN Messenger, they laugh out loud. (Well they don’t, it’s an unliteral figure of speech, but that’s an altogether different issue). If you can promise people only a giggle with your company you might as well politely inform them that they could spend the night smirking, forcing a smile or ultimately grimacing in a faux attempt to fake an appendix situation and a guaranteed hasty exit.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re over-reacting a bit here, it’s just a word. Yes, you’re probably right, but remember this – I’m challenging the whole phrase.

“It’ll be a bit of a giggle”

Utterers of this phrase are not only ruling out laughter, but they are even caveating the forcefulness of the giggle. They are only committed to guaranteeing a bit of a giggle, a ‘gigg’ or possibly worse, a ‘gi’. Cheers for that pal, sounds like a brilliant night where do I sign? If I come to the pub I might muster a slight giggle.

Here’s the Laughter Scale™, first pioneered by me in this study (2012):

Unbridled Tears of Joy > Hysterics > Crack Up > Audible Enthusiastic Laugh > Laugh > Beaming Smile > Chuckle > Giggle > Bit of a Giggle > Self Harming

As the Laughter Scale™ clearly shows, a bit of a giggle is only superseded in the chain of catastrophe by Self Harming. Hardly praise.

So in conclusion, think before you speak, especially when operating in public places, social networking sites and World of Warcraft instant messaging boxes.

If you do feel like your succumbing, remember this handy phrase: Don’t get in a pickle (noms) it should never be a giggle BOOM

Thanks for sticking with this shambolic piece and please feel free to suggest your linguistic kryptonite, phrases that you’d happily send away to the dark confines Room 101.

Music Review of 2011

Some of my favourite music from twothousandandeleven. This year there have been quite a few good albums although there wasn’t anything that completely blew my mind….maybe I’m getting picky in my old age. If anything this was the year where the guilty pleasure reared its oft-concealed head.

Rather than doing a proper countdown here are some hastily assembled categories…..

Favourite Albums

• Bon Iver – Bon Iver
• Drake – Take Care
• Explosions In The Sky – Take Care, Take Care, Take Care
• Wild Beasts – Smother
• Los Campesinos! – Hello Sadness
• Yuck – Yuck
• The Weeknd – House of Balloons
• And So I Watch You From Afar – Gangs
• M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
• Young Legionnaire – Crisis Works

Favourite OTHER Songs

• Drake – Marvin’s Room
• The Weeknd – House of Balloons/Glass Table Girls
• Los Campesinos! – Every Defeat A Divorce (Three Lions)
• Bon Iver – Perth
• Azealia Banks ft. Lazy Jay – 212
• Frightened Rabbit – Fuck This Place
• Johnny Foreigner – (Don’t) Show Us Your Fangs
• Twin Atlantic – Make a Beast of Myself
• Perfume Genius – All Waters
• Lanterns On The Lake – I Love You, Sleepyhead
• Summer Camp – Down
• James Blake – Why Don’t You Call Me
• Exit Ten – Life
• Slow Club – Where I’m Waking
• Bombay Bicycle Club – Shuffle
• Lana Del Ray – Video Games
• Radiohead – Lotus Flower
• Belong – The Pains of Being Pure At Heart

Favourite POP/Guilty Pleasures (Delete where applicable)

• Nicola Roberts – Yo-yo
• Nicki Minaj – Super Bass
• Lady Gaga – Marry The Night
• Anything by The Saturdays
• Beyoncé – Countdown
• Bass Down Low – Dev ft. The Cataracs
• Katy B – Broken Record
• Little Mix (except when Tulisa calls them ‘her LITTLE muffins’)

Favourite Gig

Bon Iver at the Hammersmith Apollo was absolutely incredible. Justin Vernon is unbelievable.

Biggest Disappointment

• Radiohead – The King Of Limbs

What happened Thom?

Albums I Haven’t Listened to Properly that I Probably Should Have

• Bjork – Biophilia
• PJ Harvey – Let England Shake
• The Antlers – Burst Apart
• Florence Welch sings You’ve Got The Love – The Remixes

The Jessie J Award for Popstars That Make Me Angry

• Jessie J

Favourite Saturday

• Una (Sorry Frankie but you’re with Wayne Bridge so at least you’ve got some cash x)

Things to Look Forward to in 2012

• New albums from The National, Perfume Genius, The Maccabees.
• Lana Del Ray and Azealia Banks – one-hit wonders or the real deal?
• Frank Carter’s (Gallows) new band

Favourite Song Featuring Greg Wallace and John Torrode

• Swede Mason – Masterchef Synesthesia (Buttery Biscuit Bass)

Favourite David Guetta Track

• The one with Usher that sounds a bit like Daft Punk (Without You?)

Place Where You Are Most Likely to see Pitbull

• In Da Club

Best Riff

Best Video/Dancefloor BANGER/Way to Upset a Northern Irish Farmer

Your comments, categories and thoughts requested/DEMANDED as I’ve probably forgotten looooooads.

Top Films of 2011

In 2011 I got a Cineworld card (other kino-based loyalty schemes are available) and got on with seeing more films. I made a list using IMDb of everything I’ve seen this year (including a couple on the plane to and from Australia – incidentally do not watch 127 Hours when you, yourself, are effectively trapped in an economy seat on a 13 hour flight. It won’t end well although I did retain all my limbs)…..I DIGRESS….. and here are my 20 favourites that came out this year.

EDIT: I forgot Submarine! It was BRILLIANT. Go and see it and laugh your socks off.

20. Friends With Benefits

Mila Kunis and JT start messing about with each other while claiming money off the state in a Romcom penned in the 40s by Nye Bevan but only recently brought to the big screen.

NOT REALLY

19. In Time

I could write an entire blog on In Time alone. It is a preposterous bit of filmmaking, where people stop ageing in their 20s, then the time they have left to live becomes a commodity that the world revolves around. Timberlake is in it and couldn’t be more on auto-pilot, Amanda Seyfried is suitably fit and feisty, Cillian Murphy legs it around in a trench coat that he picked up at the Matrix prop cupboard carboot sale, Colin McGurk puts in the single worst acting appearance I think I’ve ever seen as a cockney vigilante gangster, there is a car crash that blatantly used a Matchbox car because they couldn’t be bothered to do a proper one…..and in spite of all of that…..it’s quite entertaining. Mind boggling.

18. 13 Assassins

This film right, is about like, 13 Assassins that have to kill this dude who’s a right nasty piece of work, using like traps and that cos they’re proper outnumbered. In all seriousness if features the most vile on-screen villain I have ever, ever seen and plenty of FIGHTING.

17. The Lincoln Lawyer

Matthew McConaughey in good film shocker. It’s called the Lincoln Lawyer cos he drives round in a Lincoln. I’d be called the Fiesta Lawyer which sounds like I represent people sexually assaulted at parties. Just as well I didn’t get into the legal game eh?

16. Thor

Ridiculously OTT, but a proper spectacle and very entertaining.

15. Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Andy Serkis is amazing as Caesar, and the effects are phenomenal. However it did slip a bit due to the lack of a crouton/salad based pun given the name of the aforementioned protagonist.

14. Senna

Senna was a complete lad, who had everything, and Alain Prost was the ultimate anti-lad. I love his win-at-all-costs mentality though. It was a tragedy how this rivalry ended, but the way this documentary portrays it all is really well done.

13. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

I must confess the ending kind of went over my head (I’m pretty simple), so I’d like to revisit it and take in all the subtleties. It’s obviously a masterfully crafted movie though with a stellar cast.

12. Win Win

As well as featuring the world’s premier Fernando Torres lookalike, Win Win sees Paul Giamatti on predictably brilliant form and is a joy from start to finish. Arguably the most underrated film on the list.

11. My Week With Marilyn

Give the Academy Award to Michelle Williams now!

10. Crazy, Stupid, Love

The biggest surprise, in a good way, of the year. Much more than a run-of-the-mill Romcom, which was laugh out loud funny, weaved a number of plot strings together into a great finale AND featured Gosling being a dish.

9. Moneyball

The greatest Sports Movie since Up ‘n’ Under Any Given Sunday. Statistical analysis for the win. Brad Pitt is on top of his game as well.

8. The Ides of March

The most explosive drama based on political campaigns since Piers Elliott, John Barnes and Dominic Berry (all from the same friendship group!) applied to be Head Boy in my 6th form in 2000.

7. Attack The Block

“This is too much madness to explain in one text!”

Joe Cornish’s debut is a triumph that is a genuine horror/Sci-Fi/comedy mash-up, set in South London. It’s basically a documentary of my life.

6. 50/50

Poignant, funny, emotional. I defy you not to have tears in your eyes at points of this. Seth Rogen also manages to portray a stoner in a very unusual role for him.

5. X-Men: First Class

When I grow up I reeeeaaallly want to be an X-MenMan.

Other pointless information – a lot of this film was shot at Bearwood College where my Dad used to work.

4. Source Code

A Sci-Fi Groundhog Day that is supremely clever and rather stylish too. Beautifully set up for a sequel too….

3. Super 8

I saw it 1.85 times because the first viewing was cut short when Clapham Junction was smashed up and looted by rioters and we were asked to leave. It was worth the second visit, a nostalgic and old school feel-good movie featuring the talents of Spielberg and JJ Abrams, a great young cast (especially Elle Fanning who is superb) and some of the loudest sound effects I have ever heard. The train crash that kicks off a chain of mysterious events is one of the most impressive set-pieces of the year.

2. Never Let Me Go

The novel by Kazuo Ishiguro is a challenging and uncomfortable portrayal of an alternative Britain, where extreme measures have been put in place to look after the medical needs of the people.

The film is beautiful, very melancholic, and is carried brilliantly by its trio of stars Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightly (no swashbuckling, rum based antics to be seen) and Andrew Garfield (the guy out of The Social Network, not the cat).

1. Drive

Short verdict: Gosling and Mulligan? It couldn’t have ended up anywhere else but top.

Longer explanation: Drive has been criticised for being a glorified music video, with little substance and an over reliance on extreme violence and a slick soundtrack. Bizarrely it also got attention because a lunatic sued the film company for a misleading trailer. What do you mean it’s not The Transporter with a Jeremy Clarkson cameo?

Despite all this, it’s unquestionably my favourite film of the year. Yes, the soundtrack is superb and yes, it has a couple of hyper violent incidents but they are made all the more shocking because of the more sedate pacing of the rest of the story. You’re not sensitized to the violence because it’s used sparingly, heightening it’s impact on the viewer.

Ryan Gosling is effortlessly cool and his chemistry with co-star Carey Mulligan is very believable. However it’s not really about driving ok? It’s a character film about….people. I know, it sounds rubbish – let’s blaze up the M1 instead.

End of Year Lists

Tomorrow is December which is great news.

First of all Movember is over and my bah humbug, slightly for effect, slightly I really mean it, disdain for said ‘tradition’ is over. (By the way I did donate to it so I’m allowed to call the participants whatever I want – £10 buys you that right).

Secondly of all, it’s nearly Christmas which is pretty cool. Time off seeing friends and family, lots of good food and a bit of booze. Tidy.

However the best thing about December is end of year lists. Whether it’s music, games, films, whatever, I am a sucker for them. Pitchfork is amazing for lists.

Normally I stick to Music and Games but after actually following a New Year’s resolution in 2011 (go to the cinema more – achieved by getting a Cineworld Unlimited card) I am well up for that task too.

Are you doing them? What other lists are you partial too. List club….it’s where all some of the cool kidz are.

Come Round to Mine for Some EVENING MEAL

Language. I’m fascinated by it. I did a degree in Communication, I’ve always been writing/blogging/creating puns so tenuous you want to rip your own face off, and I also have a penchant for accents and regional dialect.

This week at work we began discussing (I’m still not sure why) the naming conventions for the evening meal. Is it lunch? Dinner? Or supper? Or do you just call it ‘an evening meal’.

I had my own suspicions about which areas of the country said what, but after conducting an extremely scientific and painstaking study (a 15 word Facebook status, plus responses) I have managed to create a highly specific set of conclusions about who says what and why.

Some findings:

• If you live in the North (higher than Birmingham) then you call your evening meal ‘tea’. Yorkshire folk were particularly passionate about this naming convention, but the fact that a lot of my friends and family are from there probably sways the balance of the results.
• If you live in the South* (below Watford) then you call your evening meal ‘dinner’. I was born in, grew up in, and reside in the South and this is the result I fully expected.
• If you are in the South (still below Watford) and you’re quite affluent/went to Oxbridge/like to knock up an omelette after 9pm then you call your evening meal ‘supper’.

* = However it is not as cut and dried as that and here is why:

• People in the South West of England (Devon etc) often seem to call their evening meal ‘tea’, and their lunchtime meal as ‘dinner’.
• People in South Wales (Cardiff, Merthyr Tydfil, Swansea etc) all seem to call their evening meal ‘tea’, and their lunchtime meal as dinner.
• People in Scotland, in contrast to my extremely goading and stereotypical assumption that only people in “the upper tax bracket” refer to ‘supper’….you’ve guessed it, call their evening meal supper.

This put a spanner in the works.

I didn’t get any a huge amount of input from anyone in the Midlands, so that remains a bit of a dark, uncharted and unfruitful region. Having once been to Wolverhampton I believe I am well qualified to endorse the irony of that part of the world’s contribution to this study.

Next I’d like to refer to my International findings:

• The one Aussie person who responded said dinner. The one American person who responded said dinner.

Upon reflection the International findings are probably a little limited.

The real complications arose when people started to add extra parameters to the discussion:

• So Tom, What time am I eating?
• Thomas, I have a query, what am I eating?

Some more findings:

• ‘Sunday Lunch’ and ‘Sunday Dinner’ are served between 2-7pm and refer to the same thing – a joint of meat and all the trimmings.
• You would never have friends over for tea unless you’re cooking potato smiley faces, chicken kievs** and beans.

**= I like chicken kievs so don’t get all defensive. Also, any oven based 25 minutes at Gas mark 6 foodstuff applies here.

• When you have ‘friends’ over for ‘dinner’ we’re talking fancy stuff – maybe 3 courses, and something a little bit suave. Therefore you don’t get a cheeseboard out and pass the Port after some tea.
• Supper is still the WILD CARD. It can be a light bite after 7pm. It is definitely still the go-to term for the middle classes/people who go to Henley Regatta/people who wear Jack Wills jogging bottoms.
• However it also can refer to a dirty bit of Scottish takeaway action, or almost any meal. This is an interesting turn of events that draws together two groups that are supposedly not paired together – middle class Southerners & working class Scots.
• Tea can be a light meal while you watch Hollyoaks even if you’re in the South.
• Dinner Ladies serve you at schools. However they work with hot meals. If you bring sandwiches you have a packed lunch.
• If you’re above a certain age, all over the world, then you say Supper.
• Kids are more likely to have tea than dinner. They can still have dinner though it’s just a slightly higher probability ok?
• If you’re on Downton Abbey then you say supper.

Speculative conclusions:

• If a dinner lady served you a sandwich the world would spin off its axis.
• If you go for afternoon tea at a Yorkshire hotel don’t be surprised if they serve you chicken kievs.
• Chicken Kievs have never been featured in an episode of Downton Abbey because breadcrumbs weren’t invented then and the plot hole would render the show farcical.

Here’s a sophisticated map that visualises the study:

That concludes the study. Please share your thoughts, and enjoy your FOOD this evening.

The Scotch Egg Incident 2011: Part 2

Warning: For those that have not yet caught up on part 1 of this saga, the below post contains SPOILERS. Please catch up here before progressing.

Waitrose have replied! Hannah Tidy was nowhere to be seen, probably doing a shoot for the forthcoming John Lewis Christmas adverts, so Nicolette Keough took control of the situation:

Unfortunately she seems to have opted for a generic letter. IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE WORD ‘EGG’ IN IT.

Here are some of her heartfelt and sincere statements:

‘Thank you for letting us know that one of our products was not of the standard you expect’.

It wasn’t Nicolette. It was a scotch egg that missed the egg. That is the least I expect.

‘Our supplier will be given all of this information which will enable them to see if this was a one-off occurence’.

I may be off the mark here, but possibly this suggests that a chicken-pig hybrid is actually laying the eggs fully formed which are then gathered up and shipped to Waitrose. If this is the case than fair enough, the chickpigs were probably close to 5.30pm on a Friday on this occasion and just did a Sausage casing. We’ve all been there.

‘Each product has a detailed specification and goes through stringent quality control measures’.

I’m no expert but I would imagine this goes something like so:

‘We are pleased to provide reimbursement and hope that what we have told you is helpful’.

To be fair I have been given £2 of Waitrose gift vouchers, which means I have effectively made a profit of £1.

Admittedly I spent about an hour writing two blog posts on the subject (not done on work time I might add), as well as the original email to Waitrose customer service, but all-in-all I think a £1 gain is a minor victory for the consumer.

Thanks for all the support in what has been a dramatic period for all concerned. A real roller coaster. Viva la revolution x

The Scotch Egg Incident 2011

Today I bought a scotch egg from the newly opened Little Waitrose store in Wimbledon. I don’t always go there but some God forsaken roadworks have made crossing the road to get to the other eating establishments like trying to navigate the red sea, so today, I did.

Anyway the scotch egg. I got it back to the office, paired with a packet of ready salted Walkers and a cheese sandwich. Quite a spread I think you’ll agree.

I cut the scotch egg in half – two, manageable, bite size portions. Then it hit me. THERE WAS NO EGG!

After the people at @WaitroseUK got in touch via Twitter I was advised to send an email to their customer support team. Here is what I put:

—–Original Message—–

From:  thomhooper@gmail.com
Sent:  27/09/2011 02:23:57 PM
To:  customersupport@waitrose.co.uk
Subject:  Scotch Egg Disappointment

Hello,

Today I purchased a Good to go Scotch Egg from your Little Waitrose in Wimbledon but unfortunately after returning to my office to eat the aforementioned treat I was disappointed to see that the egg was absent. I had a careful look to make sure it wasn’t me, and even asked a couple of colleagues (who weren’t as emotionally invested in the incident as myself) to check but it definitely wasn’t there.

This picture depicts the egg-less Scotch:

The good news is that the sausage meat casing was still very nice, but I’d hate for other people to have to go through what I did.

Kind regards,

Tom Hooper

The good news is that I’ve had a couple of replies from, the wonderfully named, Hannah Tidy. Han (we’re tight now) has assured me that ‘Our Merchandise Complaints Department are now investigating.  Once this process is complete we will write with a full explanation or update you on progress within 28 days.’ She also said ‘Once again please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused’ which I have done.

Genuinely looking forward to the report into how the egg:

• Escaped
• Hatched and flew away?
• Was eaten by a worker who then resealed the breadcrumb casing.
• Never even made it inside.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be a story that just runs and runs….